One time and one time only, I sucked him for about thirty seconds. I stopped because I was feeling scared and confused about it.But days later I walked into the woods with him and told him I wanted to do it again.He yelled at me saying “What the fuck! Are you queer or something?”That paralyzed me and I never acted on that impulse again until the age of forty-eight.But, from that day on, I thought about it a lot. It became ingrained in my thoughts every time I jerked off. I desperately wanted to suck somebody off, and that need was greatly enhanced after my divorce and affairs. I even thought about eating my own cum, but every time I had an orgasm, I lost all desire to taste it. Maybe it was lack of desire, or maybe it was me was being scared of it. I also started collecting and freezing my cum, but still, couldn’t ingest it.At age forty-eight, I started going to known gay hangouts in my city. I even talked to some guys that I was attracted to. But being a timid sort, I just couldn’t. But we had to be sensible the toast was getting cold. I had one simple rule. I'd never lie to her, unless it was completely necessary. We were friends. That was it. She'd make a bed up for me in her flatmates old room, which was now the living room, pulling down cushions from the settee, hunting out bits of blankets and quilts and putting them together like something resembling a child's idea of a bed, all jumbled heaps with no hospital corners and the smell of spilt Kestrel lager. I stripped of down to my Ys,, like a child getting ready for bed, a little self conscious, but showing off in equal measure. I needed another pee. She could see that I had a hard on, but she chose not to see it, tilting her head away, watching something, watching nothing. I always had a hard on when I was with her. She couldn’t mistake the feel of it poking against her as we got into clinches. My whole body was waiting, primed, sensitive to her touch and slightly musky smell. She was watching.
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